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| Okay, so I haven't been on here in, yet again, forever. Judging by my posts, the last I was on was in the summer and, well, that wasn't even a real post. It simply stated "I give up" which, never actually happened, the giving up I mean. I have to say, this isn't what I came on here to talk about but, the first thing I noticed when signing into this account was my seriously outdated playlist. That thing needs to be updated asap.
Anyway, I am of course awake, even though it's almost three in the morning and all the normal people in their little normal perfect lives are asleep, and it's time for some good old fashion ranting to my good friend xanga. Of course I'd turn to you in my time of need, hell, you're the only one who listens, and the only one who won't judge me. And, if anyone else happens to read this well, I honestly don't care. Read all you want but, you're not going to find anything too interesting here, unless you enjoy other people's misery in which case, enjoy the show.
This past year and a half, a lot of shit has went down, some I've talked about on here, some I haven't but I'm too lazy to go back and check what I have and have no said, what I need to do right now is just write. And write, and write, and write, until maybe I can get all this shit that has been bringing me down and driving me crazy off my mind so I can get back to living whatever semblance of a pathetic little life I have left.
One thing I've realized lately, actually mostly just today, is that a lot of the problems I've gotten myself into, are all because of boys. Of all things, did I really become that desperate, that pathetic to let boys run my life. Yep, apparently. First off, when I was in college, and ended up not going to classes, a lot of that was because I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my boyfriend at the time. Last February when I got into more fights than usual with my mom, punched my step-dad in the face, and ultimately left the house, that was mainly because I wanted to be able to talk to some random boy I had just met on facebook who lived in Arizona. When I started smoking pot, and doing all other kinds of crazy shit in the Spring, well most of that was for another boy, who I had also just met, and I wasn't even dating but wanted to impress. And, the most recent, when I moved out of state for two months, leaving behind my friends, my family, my job, and everything I'd ever know all to be with, guess what, yet another boy who I met over facebook a few months before. This is why, as of right now, I'm making a promise to myself, that for at least the next year, I'm swearing off boys. I need to focus on getting my life back on track, and apparently I can't do that if I'm obsessing over one boy or another. It's going to suck being all alone, being it's gonna suck even more if my life is even worse (if that's even possible) by the time 2011 rolls around. It's not like these boys were even good for me, or worth it, because let's review, shall we? Oh, and they all have names but, for confidentiality sake (in case anyone actually does read this, unlikely but you never know) they're all being given code names.
Boy #1, "The Freshman" - This boy happened to be my first boyfriend. Senior year of highschool, he was a freshman, and I thought he was cute at the time, plus I'd never had a boyfriend before. I took everything way more seriously than he was, and experience my first heartbreak at 17 when I found out that after a month he was only dating me so my feelings wouldn't be hurt, but really he was pretending to date me and dating some other girl who went to a different school for real instead. Nothing too terribly bad came of this, aside from a few too many ambien for a few nights, and many nights spent crying on the phone with my best friend. Plus, I messaged him a little less than a year later on facebook, said I didn't like the way we left things, he apologized, we're cool now, but haven't spoken since. All in all, not too big of a deal.
Boy #2, "First Love" - While The Freshman was my first boyfriend, this boy was my first real experience with love. I met him at my college orientation in June, and we spent all summer talking on the phone. I confessed I liked him and, to my extreme astonishment, he liked me too. We ended up dating, as well as losing both our virginities within a week, and oh, guess what, turns out I was pregnant too! I had to get an abortion and that nearly destroyed me, not to mention at this point I wasn't exactly focused on my classes. It wasn't even really his fault, I'm not sure what the hell was going through my mind but, I was broken, and confused. I was extremely homesick, I missed my house, my friends, my highschool, and I was thrown into this situation where I had to grow up all to quickly. Mr. First Love was all I had to cling onto and I did. Not only that but I was brutally mean to him, and when I failed my classes and got dragged home by my mom, he broke up with me shortly. I let myself become an emotional wreck, and had to be forced to go to community college and get a job. I was crying nonstop, and I honestly don't even remember much from the first three months of 2009, because I was pretty much a zombie. Turns out he's gay though, so, there wasn't much I could have done to fix that situation anyway.
Boy #3, "Internet Player" - I met this boy on facebook, while on a fake account I had decided to make so I could stalk First Love. He was sweet to fake me, and I gave him my phone number, pretending to be someone completely different. However, when my mom read my text messages, she gave him a call, and I was extremely pissed off at her. She also told him I wasn't who I said I was, so I had to explain to him the whole situation. He seemed to be okay with it, especially when I told him I would probably be leaving my moms soon, and me and her got into huge fights over it, one of them ending with me punching my step-dad in the face, which landed me in an apartment. Oh yeah and, after seeing what I really looked like, he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Boy #4, "Heartbreak Kid" - I met the Heartbreak Kid and the mall one Friday night. I had reconciled with a few of my friends from high school in April, and they were finally making me feel a little better about my life, and a little less like a zombie. When I met him, I instantly had a crush on him, which surprised even me, and the night ended with me, him, and one of my best friends getting drunk in my apartment, and practically having a three way. Yeah, I know, completely out of character for me, but I figured what the hell, why not get drunk, and I was in no way in control of any of my actions. Couple days later, if not the next day, we got high together, along with this other boy my friend liked, and that began my party streak. I'd always been the good girl but, I wanted him to like me, and I wanted to make friends. Of course, that's a great way to make a lot of fake ass friends, but I didn't know that at the time. I crashed my car, and got into more huge fights with my mom who was extremely disappointed in me. Tons of shit went down that I don't even need or want to get into, but I basically partied for a few months, skipped out on school and work, and began this awful downwards spiral. I was sent away to Staten Island New York to live with my dad, and work in his office, but I still went down to Jersey every weekend and ended up running away for three weeks. I lived in my car, and partied some more, until finally admitting defeat, and realizing the party was over, and going home. As for the Heartbreak Kid, he got his name for a reason. He broke up with me, and said he wanted me back so many times that it just got ridiculous. As of now, we barely ever speak, he IMs me occasionally, and we're on good terms but I doubt anything will ever happen there again, not like I should want it too, but he's the only one out of all of these boys that I'm still in love with.
Boy #5, "Arkansas Boy" - Now, this boy seemed totally different from any guy I'd ever met before. I met him on facebook as I had met Internet Player however, I met him on my own account, so it wasn't as bad. We talked all the time, and he was a total sweetheart, someone who seemed like he would be a really good guy for me. But, he lived too far away for us to date, so I decided I was going to move there. I had this whole plan and everything and he was totally game for it so, I saved up money at my dads office, got an apartment and a plane ticket and shipped myself off to a different state. Turns out, he was super sweet for all of two weeks until he broke up with me, leaving me alone on Christmas and New Years, and manipulated and used me for money and sex. Not to mention, I couldn't find a job there if my life depended on it and well, it actually kind of did. Reluctantly, my dad allowed me to come stay in some old crappy apartment he owns back in Staten Island, but he refuses to help me out any more than that or let me work in his office again.
That brings us to where I am now. Lost, confused, broken, hurt, depressed. Honestly, most of all I'm really just numb. I don't even know what to feel anymore at this point, or what I should feel, what I'm expected to feel. Hell, I'm just sick of it all. Sick, and tired of my life being a total suck fest, and if I let myself feel everything I should be feeling, I'll just completely fall apart. So, I've shut down completely. I don't do anything anymore. I have no job, no friends, I'm not going to school, I've overcharged my bank account, and my phone has been shut off for not paying my bill. Honestly, it's hard enough for me to force myself to wake up in the morning and take showers, the only thing I really want to do is eat, and watch my TV shows on my computer. Food and television - it's my escape because I can't be alone in my head to think.
I don't know what to do anymore, or who to turn to, because it seems I've burned all my bridges. I want more than anything to get out of shithole Staten Island New York, but my mom isn't willing to let me come home. Not like there's even much to come home too. She's moving to a different house in June, not to mention anything I had owned previously is either broken, stolen, thrown out, or ruined. I have nothing left, not even material possessions, and all I want is to so desperately go back to 2008 and fix everything I fucked up. Not for these goddamn boys, no, for myself. Hell, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't date any of them, I'd just live my own life for me, and not for anyone else. What I've become, what I've done, what I'm doing, this just isn't me - not like I even really know who I am anymore.
All I really know is, I'm terrified. In exactly 21 days, on March 25, I'll be turning 20 years old and my god that scares the living hell out of me. Honestly, I'd do anything not to have to turn 20. I don't feel 20, I don't look 20, and even just writing and thinking the number 20 right now is freaking me out. I'm a kid, I should always be a kid, and I don't want to grow up! The real world sucks, all it leads to is disappointment and heartbreak, and I want to be a kid again! I know everyone wants this, it's the whole enjoy it while it lasts cause you may not think so but once it's gone, you'll miss it thing, but hell, I need it! I need to be back in high school, this just doesn't feel right to me. My life has been such a huge mess since I graduated and I want to go back so desperately. Honestly, I have that knot in your chest, tears just waiting behind your eyes feeling right now just thinking about it that's how badly I want this. And I know I can't have it, I know my hopes are unrealistic, but when am I ever realistic? And not only that but if I think about where I should be right now - in a college dorm, having a good time making friends and getting good grades, coming home to my nice house with all my stuff still in place with my mom and my dogs - and realizing I'm not even close to being in that place it kills me.
Thing is, I feel really really old now. I know that sounds ridiculous, especially if someone who's about to turn 40 were reading this, hell they'd laugh and say they don't care how much shit my life is, they'd trade anything to be 20 again. But still, I can't explain it I just feel like because of the past year and a half, I've wasted my life away. I mean, in order to get back to where I'd like to be, my mom already laid it out for me what I have to do and, quite honestly, it's gonna be tough and, it sucks! First off, I'm stuck in Staten Island for now, at least for a while, in this crappy apartment with no money, no food, no TV, a half broken computer (which if it breaks I might just jump out the goddamn window cause then I've got nothing), and pretty much owning next to nothing. I have to force myself to get a job, which since I have no car, I'm going to have to take the bus, work my ass off 24/7, which being as I'm a lazy person, it's going to suck ass. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm even going to get and keep up with a job with no phone. But, aside from that, in order to come home, my mom wants me to do at least one successful semester in college in Staten Island, which sucks because that means I'll have to be there until, at least mid-December, which is nearly a whole year. Plus, even if I do all that, she's not sure if I can even come home at all, considering me and my step-dad pretty much hate each other. Terrific. That just all sounds bloody terrific.
I guess, my only choice here is suck it up and deal, right? I mean, maybe I'll get out early on good behavior, who knows? But, I doubt that. Especially considering I have no car, so it's not like I could drive myself to a job and/or school in New Jersey. So, pretty much, whichever way I swing it, my life is going to suck during all of 2010. And don't give me that think positive, have an optimistic attitude bullshit. No way, hell fucking no. Cause you know what? Yeah, I'll suck it up and do it, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. And no, first of all even if there was a bright side to all of this, which there isn't, no matter how goddamn positive of an attitude I try to have, my life is still going to suck for at least a year. I'm sure there will be little points of light, but, all in all, it's going to suck, and I know that. I guess the best I can hope for is, if I deal with another year of shit, if I make it through this year without doing something else stupid and fucking up again, and just dealing with and doing what I gotta do, that maybe, just maybe next year will be a little better.
That's really all I can honestly hope for at this point. Because, I doubt I'm getting famous any time soon, if ever, and I know I'm not getting my way at this moment in time. So, all I can do is deal with yet another shitty year in my fucked up life, and hope to god that for once, I don't fuck up, and for once, come 2011, things will look up. Otherwise, I'll be stuck in the same rut next year, and things will, without a doubt be even worse, because I've come to realize, you can fall even farther down once you've hit rock bottom, and you can trust me on that.
I'm not sure there's really much more I can say at this point unless I want to repeat myself which, undoubtably I already have many times. I'm going to force myself to try and get some sleep now, since I've already wasted an hour writing this, and since I'm actually staying at my mom's house tonight, she's forcing me to wake up early, and go get a blood test, but at least I'm out of that shitty apartment, and will get to eat a good lunch and dinner. Goodnight to whoever may be reading this (though I doubt it's anyone), and I hope your night, and life, is a whole hell of a lot better than mine.
With love (if I even know what that is anymore) -
~Michelle Joy | | |
| Forever doesn't exist and promises are made to be broken
There's no such thing as second chances,
Especially when you never even got one, or already had three
The pieces are never put back together, only crushed even smaller
Who knew that was even possible? Broken, empty, torn apart
Don't know which way to turn, or even if there's anyone to turn to
Falling, never seeming to hit the bottom, even when it feels that way
Nothing goes right, and there's no one who cares
Everyone who means the most leaves, gone for good Losing people kills, but it doesn't seem to matter to them
Time is lost, and wishing to get it back does no good
Longing for somone, clinging to all the memories of them
Willing them to come back, but they never do
Getting sabotaged by everyone in a desperate attempt to find new love Everyone turns their backs,
No one helps, but everyone is more than willing to hurt
A well-concealed lie, a stab in the back
Unexpected enemies who have no motive for how they react
How is it fair to be judged by the words and actions of others? Can't run, can't hide, can't escape
Can barely even breathe by now
The ground crumbles, the walls close in, but it's "never too late"
Fix the outside, clean up the mess so others can't see past the mask
No matter what happens, the emptiness on the inside will never go away Won't ever forget? Ironically, that's probably true
Supposed friends or "maybe something more?"
It's all in the past, same as "no matter what"
More broken promises, more to try and forget
Wishing to do the impossible and go back Trying to move on, but it never works
Move on to what anyway, what's there to move on to?
Been there, done that, it doesn't work
Watch as it all blows up, watch everything crash and burn all over again
Time flies it's true, but not because of fun Sleepless nights alone in the dark
Missing those private moments, that soft heartbeat
No more sense of security or feeling of belonging
Puppy love or soul mates, it's hard to forget, even if everyone else can
Regrets? Maybe. Mistakes? Probably. Wishes? Of course.
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| Again, I find myself in a place I don't want to be. As always when I'm unsure of what else there really is that I can do, I turn to you, xanga, and whatever unfortunate reader might stumble upon my page. I'm thinking that if I ever do get famous, I will probably regret writing all of this personal stuff on here. But whatever, I'm not too concerned about that right about now. I mean, I'm an open book anyway. I like to tell anyone I meet my whole life story. They probably don't appreciate it. I probably seem like an attention seeking whore. Oh well. I don't care. It's not like any of these random people really matter, to me anyway, and it's not like I really matter to them. It's polite conversation; "hey, how are you." do you tell the truth? or cover up with a painted lie? "eh...I'm okay." small pleasant smile. Lies. That's all small talk really is anyway. A whole bunch of lies and stories to entertain your listeners for as long as their little attention spans can endure.
Not like it matters. None of it matters. I'm a self-centered little pathetic excuse for a person. Sure, I care, but only to some extent. I could honestly care less about the war. It just pisses me off that because of it I have to pay more money to fill my car with a tank of gas. I do feel bad for all those innocent people dying for a pretty much pointless cause though. Sacrificing their lives for nothing. Seems like a waste if you ask me.
But like I said, none of it matters. Those poor starving children in Africa really do get to me though. Even so, I gotta admit that when they appear in a commercial, I can help but chance the channel. I can't handle it. I don't want to see them suffer. It feels like they're unreal to me though. Like, if I stay locked up in my own little world, then they don't really exist. That they're okay. The dying pets in the pound too. It's horrible. And it kills me when I see it or hear about it. But as long as I pretend nothing is going on, none of it affects me. So I don't bother to do anything. I'm a selfish bitch, but hey, at least I admit it. I go and spend my money on coffee and books, and then complain about being broke. Well no fucking duh I'm broke. I waste my money. But then, I know my mom will go out and buy me groceries, so it's okay.
Still, I'm not grateful for anything I've got. Not in the least bit. Fuck, why should I be? Okay, so I'm not freezing out on the streets. And I don't have an incurable disease. Thank God. Well, not God, because I honestly don't think I believe anymore. But you know what, just because my problems aren't the worst in the entire world doesn't mean I don't have a right to complain. Everyone has a right to complain. Fuck, even Paris Hilton has a right to complain. No matter how trivial, or how real your problems are, overall yours are the only ones you really give a shit about. And don't try and give me that crap about charity donations, and shit like that. Because okay, people do care about others. But in the end, the number one person we care about and place above everyone else is ourselves. I don't care what you say. You're in denial. At least I admit it. And yes, I'm fucking horrible, I know. Deal with it.
I guarantee you I will never be happy unless I get what I want. What do I want? Well, let me start with the easy stuff. I want to lose weight. And yeah, okay, so I've lost 30 pounds already. Big fucking deal. It's not enough. I'm still fat. And I hate when my friends are like, "you're not fat!" Because I am. Okay, so I'm not obese, but medically, YES I AM CONSIDERED FAT! So stop telling me I'm not. It makes me feel worse, not better. I'm about 40 pounds overweight, and I don't like it. Just looking at me it's clear that I don't look the way that I would look best. And yes, I know, I need to work at it to get what I want. I fucking hate working at it though. I've worked hard enough. I deserve to be skinny. And all those stupid girls who can eat whatever the fuck they want and never gain a single ounce deserve to look like sea cows. I fucking hate them. Even the nice ones. It's not right that they can eat whatever they want. And because of that, they think they're fucking better than everyone else just because they're "hot". But yes, I am going to start going to the gym. I'm going to try and get a job at one, so that I won't have any more excuses not to go.
SPEAKING OF JOBS. I hate working. I refuse to allow myself to work a standardized 9 to 5 job for the rest of my life. Granted, I am only 18 (well, 19 in a few days...oh GREAT), but I don't want to fall in to that pattern. Not only do I not WANT it, I couldn't deal with it. I'm not meant for that shit. Yes, I think I'm better than the general public. Yes, I think I deserve more than everyone else. But don't give me shit for it. I'm already a bigger person than you who will condemn me because I fucking admit it. Everyone thinks they deserve more. Everyone wants the good life. And if you don't, then there's either something wrong with you, or you're Amish. Which, personally, I think there's something wrong with them too.
My dream job? Famous singer, of course. And yes, I am good. And no, I'm not one of those people who *think* I'm good. Everyone who has ever heard me sing, even people who hate me, have told me so. My voice teacher told me I'm fantastic, and better than Demi Lovato, who I played a track of for him. I was complaining that I couldn't sing her song, and about how much better she was. He responded by telling me it was because I was attempting to sing something the right way that she was singing wrong, that's why it sounded different. And then told me that I have a much more powerful voice than hers. I like Demi, so I was a bit offended that he didn't like her voice, but I took the compliment. Since I admire her, I really appreciated being told I was better. I would be perfect for the lifestyles of the rich and famous though. I already have the mindset. And I would be a good role model too. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. And I am so fucking sick of people bitching at me because of that. It's a GOOD THING people. I'm keeping my body healthy. Well, aside from the energy drinks. But I don't drink them excessively. I love when people who do drugs tell me that my energy drink Monster is bad for me. It makes me laugh. Like, are they serious? And people tell me I'm boring because I'm straight edge. Whatever, maybe I am. But at least I'm not gonna have STDs, lung cancer, brain damage, or premature aging, thankyouverymuch. Seriously, all of you are gonna be gross in a couple years. And by then, I will be skinny, famous, and still healthy. Who's boring now?
Getting to the point though, because I could go on for hours just typing my opinions on stuff, there's only one thing I really want in life. The one thing I had and lost. This one boy. This one AMAZING boy. This one amazing, cute, sexy, sweet, funny, caring, loving, PERFECT boy named Chris J. And he was all mine. And I fucked up. Of course. I mean, just from this post alone, you can see what a self centered little bitch I can be. I acted so horrible to him, and he gave me multiple chances to be a better person. And I failed. I failed him. And I failed myself. I lost my true love, and no I don't care what anyone says, I'm not gonna just fucking get over it. He's the only think I really want out of life. But I had him. I FUCKING HAD HIM. I had a taste of what it was like to be with him. To be his one and only girl. To love him and be loved by him. And now he wants nothing to do with me. He's more than happy to pretend I don't exist. He sees the girl he fell in love with as an illusion. He sees me as a mistake. And I can't live without him. I would kill for him. I would do ANYTHING for him or to get him back. But the sad truth is, there is nothing left I can do. Well, okay, so I'm gonna give it one last shot actually. Me and my friends who are Wiccan (I am not, but I'm pretty sure I believe in magic) are going to try and cast a spell on him. A memory spell. To erase any bad memories he has of me, so I can try again. I know it sounds insane, but hell, if it works, I'm game. I doubt it will though. Not because I doubt magic. Just because I doubt myself. My luck is so horrendously bad, that it will probably just backfire on me. Whatever, it can't make things worse than they are already at any rate.
Anyway, I have so fucking much more to say. But, I should be doing psychology homework right now. And I'm all tense about writing on here for so long, because I'm at my mom's house to do my laundry and she's gonna kick my ass if she knows I've been chilling on xanga bitching about life for the past hour instead of doing what I was supposed to. This fucking blows. End of story.
<3Michelle
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| It's been yet another 10,000 years since I've been on this thing - not like it matters. It's not like anyone actually reads this crap that I put up here. I wonder why I even bother sometimes. I guess it's just easier to talk when you know no one is listening, but to hope at the same time that someone will listen anyway. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm a complete and total mess right now, more so than ever before. If I thought my life sucked before, boy was I wrong. Although now, things really couldn't get any worse. Okay, so I guess that's kind of dramatic, seeing as how I'm not a starving child in Africa or have some incurable disease or something - but right now, my life fucking blows.
The best part is that it's ALL MY FAULT. Yes, that's right, I'm actually taking responsibility for something for once, instead of blaming anyone and everyone else. I mean, okay, I did have some outside stress that definitely influenced what happened, but when it all comes down to it, I was the one who fucked up - ME. I really don't see how I let this all happen though. It wasn't SUPPOSED to happen this way, I just know it. And it's really hard to accept the cold hard truth that I fucked up big time, worse than I ever have before. I really screwed myself over, and I won't accept that. I'm trying to find any alternative possible that can fix this, but it seems hopeless at this point. There really seems to be NOTHING I can do.
This is just such a tragedy though, yes I think my situation is a tragedy, because I had a world full of opportunities in front of me, and I blew it. I'm so broken right now, that I don't even know what to do anymore. I remember back to, what was it now, oh wow, it was 7 months ago, longer than I thought. But still, not that long ago in the whole scheme of things. 7 months ago at the end of June/beginning of July, everything just looked so bright. I graduated high school, I met an amazing boy at college orientation, and I had a fun job at camp with amazing friends. Okay, so my mom was causing me immense stress as usual, but what else is new? It still sucked, but I was FINALLY GETTING OUT! I was going away to college and I could finally be off on my own.
But no, I can't let anything good happen to me, because I'm a complete and total screw up. I'm actually beginning to think that I might be evil. I don't know, I just feel like complete and total shit. First thing I did was mess up at my job. It was such as easy job, all I had to do was go to camp and make sure the little kids didn't get into too much trouble. But, I went to work with a bad attitude, and was being really lazy, and actually almost got fired. I was just so worn out from fighting with my mom all the time, that I ruined my summer job. I didn't end up getting fired, but I didn't get hired back, which really sucks because I really did like it there, and was looking forward to returning. But that's the least of my problems.
Over the summer I talked to this amazing boy whose number I had gotten at orientation, and I really liked him. We talked about everything, and he became my best friend. Our longest conversation went on for 9 hours, and that was probably after I told him I liked him, and he said he felt the same. I was so excited to finally go to college so I would get to see him; I even had a countdown. No matter how stressed or sad I was any given day, just being able to call him and hear his voice made me so happy.
Of course once I got to school, I finally got to see him. I also had an awesome roommate, and it was such a huge relief to me once my mom and step-dad left and I could finally be independent without her nagging all the time. The first night I spent with him was once of the best days and nights of my entire life. I don't need to describe everything that happened, even though I remember it all perfectly, but it will just make me need to cry even more. I ended up missing my first class once they started, and my mom found out through stalking my facebook and was threatening to take me home.
I was hysterical crying, and she was screaming at me over the phone like a fucking lunatic. Little did I know that as hard as I have tried to not be like her, I ended up being just as much of a bitch to this boy many times. I fucking hate myself for it, and she doesn't even see that it was her goddamn fault for being like this my whole fucking life. Anyway, I was able to stay at school, but I just ended up missing more classes and getting so far behind.
I was dating this boy now, and for a few weeks everything was amazing, until I fucked it all up. He gave me so many chances, and I know he loved me so much. Then, my mom pulled me out of school, because I was doing terribly and her and my father refused to pay to send me back for another semester. Me and the boy were still going to try and make it work, but I was such a bitch to him that he just couldn't take it anymore.
I tried to get him back, I tried everything. Now he says he doesn't love me anymore, his parents hate me, he's so much happier without me, etc. And I know he's not just saying this and doesn't mean it, because he didn't only say it to me. He said that and much more to my backstabbing betrayer bitch of an ex-best friend, even though I told him what she did, and not to talk to her, but he STILL FUCKING DOES. I think he thinks she was right, which is not true, because in the case with her, she was completely and totally wrong, and anyone I have asked agrees with me.
I feel like it's all over. Like, it's all completely hopeless now. I mean, I'm in community college now, and if I do well I can go away again, but it's just not the same. Like, my mom is fucking tormenting me, and it's so hard to concentrate on my work with her bitching at me, and because all I can think about it him. I miss him so much, more and more every day, and it kills me to know that he's GLAD I'm not with him, that he's happier without me!! Not that I blame him, I mean, I deserve it, but I just hate this. Love doesn't die, even though he thinks it does, and I don't know how he can do this to me. I miss him not only as my boyfriend, but as my best friend as well, but he won't talk to me at all. He even deleted and blocked me from facebook.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and it feels completely hopeless. It's even worse than it seems from what I wrote on here, because I'm trying to be brief, and I don't want to make myself cry. Plus, I'm supposed to be doing homework, and my bitch mother is probably gonna be home soon to scream at me because I haven't gotten anything done.
I truly believe this boy is my soulmate though, and when I found out that he said to his best friend that I wasn't the right girl for him, it really killed me. Like, I don't know what I'm going to do if he finds someone else. I don't think I can handle that. I can't even handle THIS. It's torture, truly. I can honestly say I hate myself and my life. The only good thing that has come of this is that I've lost about 20 pounds in 2 months, because I'm so stressed and upset that most of the time I can't eat. But I don't even care any more. I would rather be fat and be with him, especially since he's not superficial, and even if I was a fucking supermodel, he still wouldn't want me back. Hell, I could be the most famous and loved person in the entire world, and he STILL WOULDN'T WANT ME. And I will never truly be happy again until I have him back.
I'm so desperate that me and my friend are going to try and cast spells on him. Hell, I mean, I've never done anything like that before, but I don't know what else to do at this point! There really is nothing else I CAN do, and I mean, I'm skeptical, but it's worth a shot. I mean I doubt it will work, but if there's even a small chance that it will, I'm willing to try. I would literally do ANYTHING to get him back, and I'm not just saying that. I fucking hate this, and it just keeps getting worse and worse as time goes on.
Ugh, I'm done here. I don't even want to bother writing anymore right now...it's pointless anyway.
<3Michelle
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